A New Year Check-In: Are We Still Doing This on Purpose?

The new year has a way of inviting big promises.

We’re suddenly supposed to become more disciplined, more mindful, better rested, emotionally evolved versions of ourselves—ideally by mid-January.

This is not that.

This is a quieter, more honest ritual I often suggest: a once-a-year check-in—as an individual and as a couple—that asks not “How did we do?” but “What actually happened, and what do we need now?”

No vision board required. Mild snacks encouraged.

Looking Back Without Rewriting History

Most people are either too harsh or too generous when they review the year.

They either focus on everything that didn’t happen, or they explain away what did. A more useful place to stand is somewhere in the middle—curious, not prosecutorial.

As an individual, you might ask:

• What did I spend most of my time and emotional energy on this year?

• What did I assume I could “push through” that turned out to have a cost?

• What needs kept showing up that I kept postponing?

If there’s a discrepancy between what you hoped for and what actually occurred, that’s not a character flaw. It’s information.

Often the gap points to something real:

• a need for rest that was underestimated

• a value that was crowded out

• a season of life that demanded more than expected

The question isn’t “Why didn’t I do better?”
It’s “What was I asking of myself—and was it realistic?”

Doing This as a Couple (Without Turning It Into a Summit)

For couples, the new year can quietly amplify differences.

One partner may feel proud of how much you handled.
The other may feel depleted by what was sacrificed.
Both can be true.

A yearly check-in isn’t about reconciling those perspectives into one “correct” story. It’s about letting both exist without needing immediate resolution.

Some helpful questions:

• What did this year ask more of us than we expected?

• Where did we adapt well—and where did we just endure?

• What did each of us need more of than we received?

• What are we carrying into this year that deserves to be named?

If there’s a discrepancy—between effort and nourishment, stability and closeness, survival and satisfaction—that’s not a failure of the relationship. It’s a signal.

When Needs Weren’t Met (And No One’s the Villain)

Discrepancies tend to create tension when they stay vague.

One partner feels “off” but can’t quite say why.
The other senses dissatisfaction and feels confused or defensive.

From a Gottman perspective, this is where small disappointments can quietly harden into resentment. From an EFT lens, unmet needs often go underground, where they show up as distance, irritability, or withdrawal.

The goal of a new-year check-in is not to fix the gap immediately. It’s to name it accurately.

You don’t need a plan yet.
You need shared language.

Often, just saying:

• “What we needed last year wasn’t what we got”
  creates relief—because it shifts the conversation from blame to reality.

A Word About Intention (and Letting Go of Perfection)

Being intentional doesn’t mean designing the perfect year.

It means noticing what matters enough to protect, adjust, or revisit.

Some years are for growth.
Some are for endurance.
Some are for repair.

The mistake is assuming every year should look the same.

A Gentle Invitation for Couples

If you and your partner want to have this kind of conversation—but worry it will drift into old patterns, get rushed, or never quite land—this is exactly the kind of work a couples marathon intensive can support.

A multi-day intensive creates protected time to:

• reflect on what the last year required of each of you

• understand where your needs diverged

• clarify what this next year actually needs to be about

• do so with structure, pacing, and support

Not as a crisis response—but as an intentional reset.

The new year doesn’t need grand resolutions.
Sometimes it just needs a clear, honest conversation—with enough space to do it well.