"If It Matters to You, It Matters to Me"—And Other Romantic platitudes We Wish Were Always True

Let’s talk about one of the most well-intentioned, deceptively difficult phrases that floats around the world of love and commitment:

“If it matters to you, it matters to me.”

Ah yes. The relationship gold standard. The mark of true emotional attunement. The dream of all couples therapists and Hallmark cards everywhere.

And also… a phrase that’s often easier said than lived.

What This Phrase Wants to Mean

At its best, this phrase is shorthand for empathy, care, and shared meaning. It reflects what Drs. John and Julie Gottman describe as turning toward your partner’s emotional bids: When your partner says, “This is important to me,” your inner response becomes, “Tell me more,” not “Why are we talking about throw pillows again?”

It’s about choosing we over me, leaning in when your first impulse is to roll your eyes, and remembering that small moments of understanding build trust like compound interest.

When partners genuinely embrace this mindset, they communicate:
“I may not get it yet, but I want to.”
“I don’t need to agree with you to care about what you feel.”
“Your inner world is worth my curiosity.”

In other words, emotional intimacy in action.

What This Phrase Often Becomes

Cue the real world. Where one partner says “If it matters to you, it matters to me,” and the other partner replies, “Great, so you’ll come to my mother’s three-hour retirement slideshow?” and suddenly that phrase feels… like a trap.

Let’s be honest. There are things that matter to your partner that do not matter to you. Not even a little. Not in your brain, not in your bones, not even with your most generous attitude.

And yet, here’s where couples either drift apart or lean in.

As a Certified Gottman Therapist and Discernment Counselor, I’ve seen both sides. I’ve sat with the partner who says, “I don’t understand why you need me to care so much about something that feels so minor,” and the other who says, “It might be small to you, but it’s everything to me.”

Often, it’s not about the thing—it’s about being seen and supported in the thing.

This Phrase Is Not Permission to Lose Yourself

Let me be clear: “If it matters to you, it matters to me” doesn’t mean you must always feel enthusiastic about your partner’s every interest, emotional experience, or new kombucha obsession. You don’t have to fake it. You don’t have to lose yourself in an attempt to be “supportive.” That leads to resentment, not intimacy.

But it does mean that you practice relational generosity—you stretch a little outside your comfort zone when it really counts.

You pause your defensiveness to listen. You move from “this is stupid” to “this is tender.” You say, “Help me understand why this matters to you,” instead of “Can we please not talk about this again?”

That small shift is where empathy lives. That’s where repair happens. That’s where people soften and come back into connection.

The Discernment Counseling Twist

Now, from the discernment chair—where I often work with mixed-agenda couples (one leaning in, one leaning out)—this phrase takes on new weight.

Sometimes, it sounds like, “If the relationship still matters to you, it should matter to me too.”
And sometimes, heartbreakingly, it doesn’t.

In these moments, the phrase is less about shared interest and more about shared urgency. One partner is fighting for the bond, while the other isn’t sure it’s worth saving. And when “what matters to me is figuring this out,” and the other person isn’t on the same page, it stings.

Even then, I believe the phrase holds a powerful challenge:
Can you bring dignity to something that matters to your partner, even if it doesn’t line up with your truth?

That level of respect, even in moments of uncertainty, changes the tone of conversations—and often the outcome of the relationship.

So, Does It Really Matter?

Yes. If it matters to you, it should matter to me.
Not because I automatically get it.
Not because I have to agree.
But because you matter to me.

The phrase isn’t a promise of perfect understanding. It’s a posture of compassion, a decision to care even when you don’t fully understand why something touches your partner so deeply.

And in relationships, that posture might be one of the most important things we ever practice.

Want to strengthen how you and your partner show up for each other?
Whether you’re working through gridlocked conflict, emotional disconnection, or a “make-or-break” moment, I help couples reconnect, repair, and rebuild—with insight, tools, and a little humor along the way.

Schedule a consultation or explore my services here.