Plan as Far as You Can See… and When You Get There, Plan Further

Dec 4

A humorous yet grounding guide for couples who like certainty, clarity, and maybe also know deep down that life laughs loudly at both.

The Myth of the Mega-Plan

As a certified Gottman therapist and Discernment Counselor, I’ve heard some version of this hopeful declaration in many sessions:

“We need a five-year plan.”
“We need a plan for the five-year plan.”
“We need a plan to plan the plan because last time the plan stressed us out.”

Humans love the idea of certainty. Couples especially love certainty—because being partnered means you now have twice the laundry and half the control.

But life, relationships, and emotional growth don’t respond well to rigid blueprints. They respond beautifully, however, to intentional direction and flexible course correction.

Enter the phrase I come back to again and again:

Plan as far as you can see. And when you get there—plan further.

It’s simple, wise, frustratingly true… and perfect for couples navigating real life together.

Let’s unpack it with some Gottman insights, discernment wisdom, and gentle humor—because relationships require all three.

Why Couples Want to Plan the Whole Mountain

Imagine you’re staring at a mountain you’ve never climbed. You want to see the whole trail—from here to the summit. You want weather reports, GPS coordinates, and a guarantee that neither of you will get hangry halfway up.

But couples don’t get mountain trails. You get life, which is more like:

Foggy switchbacks
Unpredictable emotional microclimates
A partner who suddenly decides the summit is “meh” and would rather sit on a rock and snack

In Gottman work, we see that couples often plan big because big feels safe. Big feels clear. Big feels like control. But in reality, the most grounded relationships are built on small, steady, intentionally chosen steps—not grand sweeping strategies.

Planning Only as Far as You Can See (The Gottman Way)

When you limit the scope of the plan, you allow for:

1. Attunement

You actually notice each other instead of staring anxiously at the horizon.
“What do you need today?” > “What should our retirement look like when we’re 83 and living in a yurt?”

2. Fondness and Admiration

Small plans = small wins.
Small wins = “Oh hey, look at us being functional!”

3. Stress-Reducing Conversations

When you’re not trying to architect the entire future, you can actually talk about what’s happening now: the stress at work, the weird vibe in the kitchen this morning, the emotional hangover from last weekend’s argument.

4. Repairs That Matter

You can’t repair what you haven’t noticed. When you plan within your visibility, you catch ruptures earlier and fix them faster.

Discernment Counseling Bonus: You Plan Better When You’re Honest About Where You Stand

Discernment counseling is all about clarity and truth-telling—not pretending you can see the whole path when you're still trying to figure out if you’re even on the same trail.

When each partner answers honestly:

Where am I?
What am I willing to work on?
What am I unsure about?
What feels possible from right here, right now?

…you avoid building a masterpiece plan on top of unresolved ambivalence. No one does their best planning while internally whispering, “I’m 60% sure we’re okay.”

When You “Get There,” Then You Plan Further

Here’s the magic:
When you walk to the end of what you can see, you can see more.

This is extremely annoying to any partner who wants a 12-step flowchart history will validate as reasonable.

But it’s incredibly freeing to the relationship.

When couples plan in stages, they naturally practice:

Checking in
Updating each other
Adjusting expectations
Honoring new information
Staying emotionally connected
Admitting when last month’s plan was… optimistic

This is relational gold.

Examples of How This Plays Out in Real Couple Life

Version A: The Mega-Plan Couple

“Okay, first we fix communication. Then we rebuild trust. Then we rekindle intimacy. Then we revamp finances. Then in three years we’ll take a trip to Peru to celebrate our relational rebirth!”

Outcome:
Overwhelmed. Tired. Possibly fighting by Wednesday.

Version B: The ‘Plan as Far as You Can See’ Couple

“Tonight, we’ll practice a 10-minute Stress-Reducing Conversation.”
Next week: “Let’s try one Soft Startup check-in.”
Next month: “Okay, our conflict cycles make more sense now—let’s add a weekly State of the Union.”

Outcome:
Actual progress, fewer meltdowns, more emotional connection, more wins.

Which couple feels better?
Exactly.

The Humor in All of This

Relationships are, by nature, chaotic. You can plan for intimacy but end up discussing who emptied the dishwasher wrong. You can plan for a date night and end up troubleshooting a mystery smell in the garage. You can plan for a conversation and end up in a hug, a fight, or both.

Planning as far as you can see gives you permission to laugh at the unpredictability rather than wrestle it into submission.

So What Should Couples Do?

1. Pick a time horizon you can emotionally handle.

For some couples: that’s 24 hours.
For others: one week.

For the brave: one month.

2. Name the goal of this phase.

Examples:

Reduce reactivity
Practice validation
Strengthen friendship
Build a daily ritual of connection
Survive the preschool years with minimal scarring

3. Check in, adjust, repeat.

This is where Gottman’s State of the Union ritual shines. Every week:

What worked?
What didn’t?
What do we try next?

4. Celebrate the micro-wins.

You both showed up? Win.
You avoided the Four Horsemen for three whole hours? Win.
Someone used a repair attempt that actually worked? Champagne.

The Bottom Line

You don’t need a perfect plan.
You need a shared direction, connection, and the willingness to adjust as you go.

Plan as far as you can see.
And when you get there … look around, hold each other’s hands, and plan the next few steps.

That’s how couples build resilient, meaningful, sustainable love—one visible stretch of trail at a time.

Want to learn more?
I offer two-day and three-day intensives, both in person at my Bellingham, WA office and virtually. Prior to your session, you’ll complete a comprehensive relationship assessment to help us hit the ground running.

Learn more about scheduling a couples marathon or reach out here to see if this is a good fit for your relationship.

Let’s get you back to something that feels more connected, more hopeful—and more you.