“I Hear You” (But Do I Really?): Why Validating Your Partner Can Feel Like an Olympic Sport

Validation is one of the most deceptively simple skills in a relationship. It sounds easy—just nod, repeat back what they said, and add an empathic “I understand.”

But in the wild—by which I mean your living room on a Tuesday night—validation can feel like trying to thread a needle while riding a unicycle during an earthquake.

Let’s talk about the barriers that get in the way, with a little humor (because otherwise, we’d all cry into our popcorn).

1. The “That’s Not What Happened” Reflex

Your partner says, “You ignored me at the party.”
Your brain immediately flips to the surveillance footage in your mind: I was just talking to Brad about his new grill!

Here’s the problem—validation isn’t about confirming facts, it’s about understanding their emotional reality. In Gottman terms, it’s tuning in to their “perceptual reality.” In human terms, it’s resisting the urge to whip out your mental PowerPoint of evidence.

2. The Fix-It Frenzy

They share, “I’ve been feeling disconnected lately.”
Before they finish the sentence, you’re already Googling “romantic weekend getaways” and texting your cousin to borrow a cabin.

While your enthusiasm is admirable, validation means slowing down enough to acknowledge the emotion before trying to solve it. Skipping validation is like trying to ice a cake while it’s still in the oven—messy, ineffective, and potentially flammable.

3. Emotional Cross-Talk

Sometimes you’re so busy preparing your own emotional rebuttal that you forget to actually listen.
They say, “I felt hurt when you didn’t call.”
You think, well, I was hurt when you didn’t thank me for unloading the dishwasher.

Suddenly you’re in a competitive Hurt Olympics, where nobody wins gold—just mutual frustration.

4. Fear of Agreement Confusion

Many people avoid validating because they think it means agreeing.
But validation isn’t the same as signing a confession. You can say, “I understand why you felt embarrassed,” without saying, “I was definitely wrong and am now legally responsible for all future feelings of embarrassment.”

5. Ego in the Driver’s Seat

Sometimes validation feels threatening because it requires humility—and humility isn’t always ego’s favorite flavor. Gottman research shows that accepting influence from your partner builds trust, but that can feel like eating kale when you really want nachos. You know it’s good for you, but your pride grumbles.

So How Do You Break Through These Barriers?

• Pause before defending. Breathe. Listen. Pretend you’re a journalist gathering quotes for an article you can’t edit.

• Name the emotion. Even if you don’t agree with the story, you can recognize the feeling.

• Delay fixing. Think connection first, solutions later.

• Separate validation from agreement. They are cousins, not twins.

Validation is less about perfect phrasing and more about showing up for your partner’s inner world. It’s the relationship equivalent of saying, “I see you, and you matter,” even when you don’t have all the answers—or when you’re still pretty sure you did acknowledge them at that party.

If you and your partner keep getting stuck in the same communication loops, sometimes the best next step isn’t another book or podcast—it’s focused, intentional time together with a guide. In my 2- or 3-day couples therapy marathons, we untangle these patterns and help you rebuild understanding (without the unicycles or earthquakes).