What to Do When Your Partner Doesn’t Like You (Anymore, Today, or Maybe Ever?) — A Survival Guide

Because love is eternal... except when it isn’t. Or when someone chews too loudly.

Let’s talk about that special flavor of dread that arises when you realize: “I don’t think my partner likes me.”
Not just doesn’t love me (though yikes, that too), but straight-up doesn’t like me.
Not enjoying your company. Not delighted by your presence. Maybe even slightly allergic to your breathing patterns.

As a Certified Gottman Therapist and Discernment Counselor, I can tell you:
You’re not alone.
Most couples, at some point, look across the couch and think,
“Dear God, why did I marry this person who organizes the dishwasher like a drunk raccoon?”

So — what do you do when the vibe is… not vibing?

Step 1: Don’t Panic. Normalize It.

Sometimes, not liking each other is just part of the cycle. Even the healthiest relationships go through I-love-you-but-don’t-like-you-right-now phases.
Why? Because humans are annoying. Especially the ones we live with.

Here’s the Gottman truth: 69% of problems in a long-term relationship are perpetual.
You are not solving your partner’s chronic lateness or how they loudly eat pasta. You’re learning to live with it — ideally without plotting an alibi.

Step 2: Distinguish “Dislike” from “Disdain”

Not liking someone is one thing. Contempt is another.
If your partner rolls their eyes every time you speak, mocks your opinions, or sighs when you exist — that’s contempt, and contempt is a relationship death knell in Gottman research.
That needs immediate attention, ideally from a therapist with a couch, tissues, and strong boundaries.

If it’s more of a general “ugh” vibe, it may be fatigue, stress, or your partner in a disenchantment spiral — common in long-term relationships and survivable with insight and effort.

Step 3: Ask: “Is This a Pattern or a Moment?”

Discernment Counseling is designed for couples on the brink, and this is a question I often ask:
“Is this a moment in time or a pattern you’re exhausted from?”

• If it’s a moment, lean in with curiosity. What’s happening? Burnout? Hormones? Life stress?

• If it’s a pattern, we need to dig deeper. Has one partner exited emotionally but stayed physically?
  Are you living in parallel lives?
  (If you just whispered “yes” into your coffee, it might be time for a deeper conversation.)

Step 4: Try to Like Them Anyway (Gottman Style)

Here’s a wild idea: try to like them on purpose.

Gottman teaches us about the Positive Perspective — a way of interpreting your partner’s quirks as mildly endearing rather than prison-worthy.

It involves:

• Looking for bids (tiny attempts to connect, like “look at this meme!”)

• Turning toward those bids (yes, even if it’s the 800th meme that day)

• Expressing fondness and admiration, even if it’s, “Thanks for not rage-eating the last bowl of cereal.”

You don’t have to feel it immediately. Sometimes, liking your partner is a muscle — one that’s out of shape from too many nights of separate Netflix shows and silent dinners.

Step 5: Get Curious Before You Get Catty

Instead of asking, “Why don’t you like me?” — which invites defensiveness — try:

• “Is there something I’ve been doing that feels hard to be around lately?”

• “Is there something we’re not talking about that’s making it harder to enjoy each other?”

This is not fishing for compliments or punishment. This is relational inquiry with a side of courage.

And if the answer is, “You’ve been distant for a long time and I feel shut out,” that’s data, not doom.
Now you know where to begin.

Step 6: If You’re the One Who Doesn’t Like Your Partner…

Well. That’s awkward.
But also very normal.
Ask yourself:

• Is it something that could shift with better communication or shared experiences?

• Or is it a deeper value misalignment that makes you incompatible?

Discernment Counseling can help you figure out if this is a rough patch or the beginning of the end.
Because staying in a relationship where you chronically dislike each other is… a choice.
But so is doing the work to see if that dislike is reversible.

Both paths are hard, both take effort…choose your hard.

Sometimes, confronting the feeling of not liking your partner is the bravest act of care you can offer a relationship. It asks you to stand in uncomfortable truth, to become curious about your reactions rather than shamed by them. That curiosity is the engine of all relational repair.

Final Thoughts from the Therapist Chair

Not liking your partner sometimes is a human reality.
What matters is what you do with that moment.

• Do you make jokes at their expense or try to understand what’s shifted?

• Do you silently stew or gently share your disconnect?

• Do you turn away — or turn toward, even if it’s awkward?

You can rebuild liking.
You can revive warmth.
You can even find your way back to “I actually enjoy being in a room with you.”

But first, you have to name it.